Snuggle more. Yell less.

When we woke up this morning Bailey was still gone. His spot in the red room is empty. My brain wants to believe that he never existed because it is easier than the pain that rushes over me when I realize again that he was real and he's not here anymore.

Staying present with the pain and heartbreak requires a lot of effort for me. I keep looking for an easy way out of this and becoming numb seems like a decent option. But the feelings are real and I do hurt because of great loss. Being numb doesn't teach our kids how loss works and it doesn't bring me any closer to Mario.

Last night before bed we checked in with each other. I admitted that I really missed Bailey. Mario said the same and we just held close while the tears crept out of our eyes. I took it further and admitted that I felt awful about how I treated Bailey. After Clare and Wesley arrived Bailey became my 'final straw' many many times. I yelled when he jumped on the table, isolated him from others during play dates, and got very angry when he tore apart trash cans or pooped in the house. He didn't deserve so much pent up frustration from me. I wish we had spent more time breaking the rules and snuggling on the couch.

That whole sequence of thoughts and emotions about loving others and how will I feel about how I loved others when they are gone spiraled into a day long internal conversation. Which is probably why I put everything aside tonight and let Wesley snuggle and sleep on my chest instead of putting him in his room.

I stroked his hair, smelled his post pool sunscreen chlorinated skin, and just held him close. We fell asleep for about an hour. That is until I woke up to a warm wet feeling all over my abdomen. Yes. The boy peed all over me while he slept on my chest. My dress was soaked. His clothes were soaked. The blanket was soaked. It was so wet I wondered if I had somehow done the peeing? But no. It was my sweet almost three year old who did the deed.

So today we did more healing and holding. The kids and I took Bailey's bed, medications, food, and supplies to Project Pet at the vet clinic. We checked out a book from the Dr. Blaes, Dog Heaven, and read it in the waiting room. I cried when I read to them about ham sandwich shaped bones in dog heaven and lots of ducks to chase.

When we finished reading Clare wanted to meet the doctor who helped Bailey get to dog heaven. I asked at the front desk but Dr. Blaes was busy in surgery for the next few hours. I know he would have come to talk to the kids and if they ask more questions I will happily take them in to talk with Dr. Blaes.

Tears, errands, friends and birthday preparation dominated our Monday. Wesley has a big day tomorrow that involves a basket ball net, a t-ball station and a new scooter. Still no puppy but we are pretty sure that he will be okay with that in light of the other surprises.