We all fall down.

This week Mario went to Dallas for depositions. He returned with a set of souvenier glitter glue markers for Clare and Wesley. It's not much but you should have seen their faces when he gave them to the kids this morning. Just the idea of being remembered while he was away for work thrilled them. I have vivid memories of my mother and Stan jumping around the living room presenting little samples of hotel shampoo and soap for us as kids after their trips. We loved it! They remembered us! We were loved.

Somewhere in those childhood memories my father made a trip to North Carolina. He travelled to Durham because my Grandpa died. We stayed with my mom while he was gone taking care of things. When he got back we went to his house and we found a cardboard box on the coffee table. I assumed that it was a present for me. A travel treat.

But all I found inside was a plastic bag filled with grey ashes. No glitter glue markers...just the remains of my Grandpa. I closed the box quickly and put it back on the table. I don't know who was there, if anyone, but it was a pretty scary find. And embarrassing because I knew for sure that I had just opened up something that was definitely not for me.

So today when I drove the kids out to the veterinarian to pick up Bailey's ashes I knew to take extra care with curious fingers. We went out towards Harbison and spent time re-reading Dog Heaven. Dr. Blaes came out and sat down with both kids because they still wanted to meet the doctor that helped Bailey get to Dog Heaven. He rocked. He was goofy, serious, concerned and loving towards both of them. The whole conversation about his animals in heaven and his 200 plus guinea pigs at home thrilled all of us.

But Bailey wasn't there. I forgot that we agreed to pick him up at the Northeast clinic while we were there last week. So I put the kids back in the car, drove across town and scooted them inside to discreetly pick up Bailey. The other clinic called ahead so he was ready to go in a bag when we arrived.

So tonight I brought Bailey home. He may go for a ride up to New Hampshire with us just because he can. His ashes are contained in a small mahogany box (oh the madness of picking out the wood pre-injection while still holding my dog in my arms) with room on the front to insert a picture. It's actually quite nice and it cannot be opened at all by little hands. St. Francis Pet Services sent along a brass plate to engrave, put a sticker with Bailey's name on the bottom of the box, and included a notarized certificate that the remains are indeed Bailey's.

What a week. We remain sad and achy inside but today is better than yesterday which is better than the day before. We are trying hard to talk about Bailey each day and our feelings with the kids and each other so that we can minimize the emotional outbursts. As odd as it may be, it's kind of nice to have him back in our home.

A moment in time.

1. Who is your favorite person?
W: Daddy
C: Mommy

2. What is your favorite place to go?
W: the library
C: the water park

3. What is your favorite food?
W: chicken
C: chicken

4. What is your favorite book?
W: books about 'mouses'
C: Beauty and the Beast

5. What is your favorite craft to make?
W: hippos
C: egg carton caterpillars

6. What makes you sad?
W: when Daddy goes away
C: when you yell at me

7. What is your favorite game?
W: Candyland
C: Chutes and Ladders

8. What is your favorite color?
W: pink
C: white and purple

9. What is your favorite thing to do?
W: go to the beach
C: go to the museum

10. Where is your favorite place to swim?
W: the pool
C: the pool

11. What is your favorite animal?
W: pink elephants
C: zebras

12. What don't you like?
W: Bailey's poop in the house
C: stinky smells

Interview 7/15/2010 with Clare (4) and Wesley (almost 3).

Morning Practice

Wesley and Clare had a morning practice session with Mario. We gave him this t-ball gizmo for his birthday last night. So much fun. Good stuff.

threeeeeee!

Wesley's birthday is one of my favorite days. His birth at home rocked and gave me incredible confidence in myself. When I get stuck on things I can always remember: I gave birth to a nine pound baby boy in water at home without any medication. After I put things in that perspective I can usually unstick myself. Curious about Wesley's birthday three years ago? Read here.


I love this picture too. He's moments old, I am overcome with relief that the birth is over, the pain has stopped, and he's still connected to me via umbilical cord. Those moments where we all just rested before I delivered the placenta and stared awestruck at this little guy remain some of the best moments in my world.

But now...we have this little guy.
He's wild and he had the best three year old birthday ever. We threw an impromptu birthday party that featured: donuts, juice and coffee. When guests arrived they immediately received the news as they walked in that 1. we had donuts, 2. Bailey didn't live here anymore, and 3. that Bailey was in dog heaven. The rest of the party props included handpicked Thomas plates, a package of party hats, blower things, and pin the tail on the bunny.


We didn't stress or fuss (aside from securing the necessary balloons and donuts). The kids played. The mamas drank coffee and chatted. We broke up quibbles and let the kids run wild between puzzle stations, barbie stations, train stations, art stations and block stations.

Essentially I took their existing toys and grouped them in different areas of the house. I think I'll try doing that more often on days when I know we are going to be at home for a bit and they are going nuts.


This afternoon Wesley and I made gluten free, wheat free, dairy free, soy free chocolate cupcakes with vanilla frosting. The boy got to eat his cake and was just tickled that he could enjoy it! For dinner we made homemade oat waffles with blueberries and maple syrup. Easy, simple and totally requested.


I enjoyed the low key homemade birthday party. I'm inspired to try it again this fall with Clare if she'll let me get away with it. More pictures to come.

Snuggle more. Yell less.

When we woke up this morning Bailey was still gone. His spot in the red room is empty. My brain wants to believe that he never existed because it is easier than the pain that rushes over me when I realize again that he was real and he's not here anymore.

Staying present with the pain and heartbreak requires a lot of effort for me. I keep looking for an easy way out of this and becoming numb seems like a decent option. But the feelings are real and I do hurt because of great loss. Being numb doesn't teach our kids how loss works and it doesn't bring me any closer to Mario.

Last night before bed we checked in with each other. I admitted that I really missed Bailey. Mario said the same and we just held close while the tears crept out of our eyes. I took it further and admitted that I felt awful about how I treated Bailey. After Clare and Wesley arrived Bailey became my 'final straw' many many times. I yelled when he jumped on the table, isolated him from others during play dates, and got very angry when he tore apart trash cans or pooped in the house. He didn't deserve so much pent up frustration from me. I wish we had spent more time breaking the rules and snuggling on the couch.

That whole sequence of thoughts and emotions about loving others and how will I feel about how I loved others when they are gone spiraled into a day long internal conversation. Which is probably why I put everything aside tonight and let Wesley snuggle and sleep on my chest instead of putting him in his room.

I stroked his hair, smelled his post pool sunscreen chlorinated skin, and just held him close. We fell asleep for about an hour. That is until I woke up to a warm wet feeling all over my abdomen. Yes. The boy peed all over me while he slept on my chest. My dress was soaked. His clothes were soaked. The blanket was soaked. It was so wet I wondered if I had somehow done the peeing? But no. It was my sweet almost three year old who did the deed.

So today we did more healing and holding. The kids and I took Bailey's bed, medications, food, and supplies to Project Pet at the vet clinic. We checked out a book from the Dr. Blaes, Dog Heaven, and read it in the waiting room. I cried when I read to them about ham sandwich shaped bones in dog heaven and lots of ducks to chase.

When we finished reading Clare wanted to meet the doctor who helped Bailey get to dog heaven. I asked at the front desk but Dr. Blaes was busy in surgery for the next few hours. I know he would have come to talk to the kids and if they ask more questions I will happily take them in to talk with Dr. Blaes.

Tears, errands, friends and birthday preparation dominated our Monday. Wesley has a big day tomorrow that involves a basket ball net, a t-ball station and a new scooter. Still no puppy but we are pretty sure that he will be okay with that in light of the other surprises.

A final act of love.

I think that knowing was the worst part of yesterday.

Awhile ago Mario and I heard a woman from hospice give a talk. She made a comment along the lines of: everyone needs a reason to wake up on the last day of their life. She's right. We tried to give Bailey lots of reasons to wake up on the last day of his life. We snuggled, went for car rides, and gave him as much love as we could.

And then it was time. Loading Bailey into the red van for the last time and driving him to the vet was awful. We knew where he was going and why but he just kept smiling at us. Unloading him from the red van for the last time was awful too. And checking in. And going into the examination room with his favorite blanket knowing that he would not come back out with us.

Our vet rocked. He re-explained the entire process, talked to us about grief, assured us that this was the best decision for Bailey, and then he cried with us.

We all sat on the floor and I put part of his blanket on my lap. When it was time for the injection he crawled on to my lap. I held him close, Mario sat next to me and held his head, and three seconds later he was peacefully gone.

Dr. Blaes confirmed that his heart stopped and left us alone with the knowledge that we could stay as long as we needed to.

It was so hard take his body out of my lap. The only thing I knew how to do was to love him and hold him. And even though I knew he was gone I didn't want to let go of him. So we just sat together, held his body and cried together.

When we were ready Mario helped transfer him out of my lap and we wrapped him up entirely in his blanket. We left the room and walked out of the vet into the afternoon sun with a gigantic hole in our hearts.

Not quite ready to face the world we headed for the lake at Clemson Extension. We walked, held hands, listened to the silence, exchanged a few words, stopped for hugs, and continued to cry.

Today I packed up all of his stuff and we have it ready to donate to Project Pet. I went to the pet store and returned the abundance of specialty wet food I bought last week in hopes of enticing him to eat more. The sales clerk handling the return asked, "Did your dog not like the Wellness food?" I could only get out that "he died."

Thankfully we have many memories to soothe our minds and the knowledge that Bailey is no longer suffering here on earth. His body will be cremated and returned to us in a box within the next two weeks.

In the meantime we have distractions like summer vacation in New Hampshire and Wesley's third birthday. He turns three on Tuesday and even though he really wants a puppy we just aren't ready. Maybe when he turns five. Or thirty five.

Bailey

Last night we told the kids that Bailey is not going to live with us any more as they finished eating their ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery. First we talked about how much we loved Bailey, how long he had lived with us already, and that his body was not working anymore. We shared funny stories about when Bailey was a puppy and the silly things he did to make us smile.

Immediately Wesley solved the problem by suggesting that we get a new puppy. Clare interjected something about a cat but we redirected the conversation to explain that we would never have another Bailey. Clare understood and burst into tears because she didn't want Bailey to leave. Mario held her outside the ice cream store while he tried not to burst into tears too. Mario took Bailey (age 11) to see his favorite veterinarian yesterday after lunch. After discussion and examination, Dr. Blaes agreed that it is time. Amazingly Bailey has outlived his diagnosis by a year and a half. We are grateful for the extra time, the extra walks, the extra trips to the ocean, and the extra snuggles.

The kids picked out squeaky toys for Bailey last night, today Mario took him for a drive with the windows open so he could put his nose out in the air, and I've spent a few hours snuggled with him on the couch. We are spending today letting ourselves enjoy Bailey and giving our hearts a chance to burst open with tears and pain.

We adore this puppy and today is very sad and very difficult.

Joy according to Wesley.

1. Playing with boxes.
2. Eating banana bread.
3. Going to the bagel store.
4. Dates with daddy for apple juice and tea.
5. Music and concerts.

*interview at the breakfast table on 7/15/10.

Joy according to Clare

1. Going to the water park.

2. Going to the bagel store.

3. The nail polish store.

4. Reading books.

5. Moes and Saradippity face painting.

*interview at the breakfast table on 7/15/10.

u pick

Child torture technique #258: take them blueberry picking.

I have never seen such miserable children. They were hot. They were bothered. There were too many bugs. They were itchy. They were sweaty. They were thirsty. They were hungry. They didn't want to eat berries. They wanted to get in the van.

So...

I picked an entire gallon of blueberries by myself while they whined. I actually think I tried to get as far away from them as possible knowing that they were safe in the field to escape the whine. In fact, I know I did. They still found me.

The blueberries are cheap ($9/gallon) and both kids are well aware of the fact that blueberries grow on bushes rather than in the grocery store. I got to visit with a few friends, we made memories bonded together by child misery, and we left with more berries than I know what to do with.

If you want to torture your child too and you live in the Columbia area here's the web site and contact information: http://scblueberries.com/.

Happy picking!

If you do go: bring crappy shoes for you and your wee ones to wear, bring bug spray and pack a cooler filled with snacks and water (apparently blueberries aren't a snack according to some weird kids like mine).

New to us fun.

Time: 10 a.m.
Place: Edisto Discovery Park
Attire: underwear only
Cost: free

Oh the fun they had this morning. While en route to the usual errand locations we made a turn down S. Edisto Street in Rosewood and discovered the Edisto Discovery Park. The park alone rocks with challenging equipment, a dinosaur fossil dig in the sand, a walking (biking) trail, basket ball courts, lots of benches and this splash pad.

I didn't plan the stop and didn't know about the splash pad which is how we ended up with Mama sipping her coffee on a bench while her children ran mostly naked through the fountains. It's like Saluda Splash but without crazy field trip invasions! Plus it's FREE.

I did have a towel in my gym bag and about 100 extra pairs of potty training Diego and Batman underwear in the van. Wesley managed to get re-dressed okay, Clare had to go au natural until we got home. I love it when we pause just because we can and we want to. I'm also super excited to have one more place in town to cool off.

If you want to go it's located at 1914 Wiley Street. If you take a turn down S. Edisto towards the airport you will drive right past it. The splash pad operates M-F 10 a.m. until 12 noon and again from 4 p.m. until 6 p.m. Happy Splashing!

The rest of our week.

We picked up three wardrobe boxes leaving a friend's house and brought them home for play. The boxes turned into cars, houses, schools, forts and took over our kitchen. They made them into beds, added animals, and created veterinary clinics. My favorite moment (besides the HOURS that they filled) came when Clare announced to Wesley, "You stay here with the children, I'm going out to dinner with my friends." Yeah. Talk about a proud Mama moment.

We also did some closet purging. I went through three clothes baskets filled with stuff, sorted endless piles of mismatched socks and put together two giant bags of donations. Later Clare designed a turtle in her sketch book and we set out to create a plush version using our found materials. The result: see below. This is her current beloved animal of choice and Wesley's snake goes with him everywhere as well.

After I get more fiber fill I think we will do this again. I enjoyed having the kids plan out their animals and helping to create the actual finished project by stuffing, picking accessories, and embellishing.

We also braved the heat and did a bit of baking. Soy free, dairy free oatmeal cookies! Homemade soy free, dairy free waffles! And soy free, dairy free, wheat free spelt bread! Wesley loved all of the new treats made just for him and the ease of a waffle in the toaster each morning rocks.

This very second.

Dr. Wesley is sound asleep in his bed ready to rise for the next emergency that needs attending. He's armed with a box of Spiderman band aids, a doctor's kit, and days worth of stuffed animal doctoring experience.

BTW: Did you know that Spiderman comes up in spell check as misspelled but Superman doesn't trip it up?

Busted on Film.

Seriously. Totally blatant brother abuse right in front of me at the fireworks. At the rate these two are going this summer I am pretty sure that someone is going to end up scarred and/or injured. Our deductible is mostly met from the Achilles tendon mishap so at least we have that going for us if we do end up in the Emergency Room.

The quarrels between the two of them escalate quickly. They can play so well together and fight so well against each other. I can't tell if they like each other or not.

For instance: yesterday they called me to Wesley's room because he was stuck. When I got there I found him stuck zipped inside of his Diego tent upside down on his bed. Later she dressed him in Dora panties and put a Spiderman shirt on his legs for pants. It is all very curious and I know one thing that they do really well together with certainty: making huge messes wherever they go.

Weekend Report.

1 beach trip.
8 pool trips.
3 milkshakes.
4 yard sales.
2 grilled dinners.
1 dinner at Brogen's.
1 church service.
3 trips to Harris Teeter.
1 watermelon consumed.
1 bath.
3 adult naps.
5 trips to Starbucks.
1 wagon.
4 bikes.
2 open houses.
6 glow sticks.
2 fireworks shows.
7 months of photos organized.
87 dollars in coins counted.

Beachy 4th.

So we haven't actually made it to the beach yet but we are having fun. The pool satisfies the kids, we are happy to drive around running errands and being together, plus there are super exciting things like parking lot picnics to experience.

I'm feeling a bit better. Having Mario around makes a huge difference. When the kids go into meltdown mode it is nice to have another adult to help follow through and discipline. (And to help make dinner, do baths, brush teeth, pick up, fold laundry, and do band aid duty.)

I was glum yesterday while Wesley pitched a fit about his bike that we donated to Goodwill during our last visit because we thought he was done with it. Those screaming tantrums are just awful so I took out a paper and just started writing down things that make me happy.

pool chatter
swaying Spanish moss
pool baths
coolers
stocked freezers
floatie free kids
daddy days off
community pool toys
parking lot picnics
FRIDAY estate sales
seedless watermelon

This little exercise is easy and useful. Many thanks to Penny for teaching me about it.

I'm also happy to add running to the list! Last night I went on a real mini run. My chest burned in that awful I'm out of shape way, but it still felt really good to do.